Where's My Village?

I had the honor of reading this piece during the Lehigh Valley production of Listen To Your MotherTM on April 30, 2017.

Kids are

adorable

disgusting

funny

challenging

Every day.

There’s that old saying “it takes a village to raise a child.”

I have two children, where’s my village?

Like many parents today, we live over an hour away from family, most of whom work.

My husband works full-time while I spend my days transporting my kids where they need to go.

For me, it’s a bit more complicated because one of my children has complex medical needs, developmental delays, and gets 10 hours of therapy each week plus appointments with a variety of specialists.

(It says a lot when you walk into a busy doctor’s office and the receptionist remembers your child’s name on sight.)

My other kid has therapy, school, and activities. And meltdowns - don't get me started.

I have my own therapy and I volunteer, not because I have lots of free time, but because I’ve found things I’m passionate about and I want to help others.

It also keeps me, ME.

One of the things I’m passionate about is supporting and empowering moms and future moms.

In caring for others, especially those who don’t talk yet, it can be easy to lose yourself to what you do.

As new parents, our days are suddenly not our own, and they are filled with

crying,

laughing,

bouncing,

burping,

stolen sleep,

and dirty diapers.

As our children grow, they gradually become more independent,

but with that independence come new challenges.

There’s so many choices to make as a parent,

and the worry over whether you’ve made the “right” choice.

Then the worry “Will somebody judge me for this?”

Feelings of frustration,

isolation,

stress,

anger,

and resentment

can eat away at us,

consuming the contentment,

the accomplishment,

and the belonging

that comes from having children.

We all need support.

Someone to talk to, someone who listens,

who will tell you “Been there, done that, here’s how I got through it,”

who can say “You got this and I got your back”

Support is what gets us through the hard, helps us find our strong.

Especially parents,

those with multiple children,

those with special needs,

those who are struggling.

We need to be reminded of our worth and why we raise our children.

We need to build our families in communities of compassion with resources that enable us to keep going.

Yes, we may be strong. But we don’t do it because we’re strong.

We do it because we have to.

Because, if we don’t, who will?

This is not where I thought I’d be

or where I’d planned to be,

but I’m where I need to be:

caring for my kids, and building a community of support.

Where’s my village?

I’m building it:

One support group

playdate

helping hand

sanity check (wine and chocolate)

At a time.

It takes a team...and I'm the (reluctant) Captain

In the past year plus of having a child with complex medical needs, I've learned some important lessons.

Quality care depends on a team of good professionals working together. Seek out the best, not just by reputation, but by ability to work with others.

Surround yourself with support - family, friends, professional connections - and accept help, if it's actually helpful.

Be organized. Use whatever system that works for you.

Take notes and get copies of medical records and reports. 

Having contact info for all providers that you can easily share makes your life easier and gets care providers working together faster.

Getting your team to communicate with each other effectively can be difficult. As "Captain" you'll often need to be "Team Communication Facilitator" - it can be frustrating, but don't give up!

Trust your gut and speak up.

Ask as many questions as you want. Ask as many people as you want. Ask the same questions over and over again if you want. Don't be satisfied with "fluffy" responses. NEVER accept dismissals or scare tactics.

Find a balance between polite and pushy, but, ultimately, you may have to just be pushy.

If you are upset (and you have every right to be), talk it out with someone you trust before approaching the person you are upset with. Having someone "talk you off the ledge" and help you find the right words to express your concerns is better than being a crazed Mama Bear and attacking.

Pull every string you can find when there's something your child needs.

If one team member is not doing what needs to be done, either coach them or cut them. Keeping them out of loyalty does not get you better results.

Say "Thank you!" Those two words and a smile can go a long way.

The medical professionals may each know a lot about their specialty, but YOU are the expert on your child.

To other parents, wherever kids congregate

I see you sticking very close to your child, just a few steps away should anything happen. You may notice that I'm not always following my child around. It doesn't mean that I'm any less of a parent or that I'm expecting you to rush over and take care of my child for me.
Please don't assume I don't care about my child because I'm not following him around. I do care, just as you care about your child. I'm here and trying to let my child learn independence in what I've decided is a relatively safe environment. He knows where I am and that, if he needs me, I'm here for him. As he explores his world and interacts with others, I try to stay back so he can experience through his own lens, not mine.
If he does something to hurt or upset your child, I'll step in and remind him to use gentle touches, take turns, ask permission, and that it is not nice to hurt others. I will encourage him (not force him) to apologize and ask how he can make the situation better. Interpersonal skills and problem solving are things we need to teach. It starts by setting a good example through our own behavior.
If you think I don't see something my child has done, talk to me! If he takes a toy from your child, please don't yell at my child then snatch the toy back from him. I'm fine with "parent the child in front of you" but his childish behavior does NOT give you the right to behave like a child yourself.
Kids DO learn how to solve their own problems, when we let them. Where's the growth, learning, and independence if you fixing everything for them?
This is NOT about which parenting style is better. We each have our own style and if it works for us, that is what is important. We can respect that about each other and teach our children to respect each other and respect different opinions.

Thanks.

This Wrap is Perma-stash

This wrap is perma-stash.

It's osnaburg, so it's not, soft, cushy, or marshmallowy. At 21' long, it's too big to be comfortable for my 5'4" frame. It doesn't have sleepy-dust or an amazing design.

I can't get rid of it.

It is a symbol.

A symbol of friendship and community. It was tie-dyed and given to me by members of my mama-tribe at a time when I needed to be wrapped in love and provided with support.

My 2nd child was just a few days old and still in the NICU with an uncertain future. I spent my birthday and wedding anniversary driving back and forth between home and hospital, trying to give as much time and love as I could to both of my children.

My mama-tribe stepped up and helped out: watching our first so hubby and I could both go to the NICU, bringing us hot meals, messages of love and support, sometimes from people I had only met at a play date or two.

In the year since they made me this wrap, my "tiny guy" has grown and made so much progress. I have done what I can to help others in similar ways.

This wrap is perma-stash...
just like the love and support it symbolizes.

Why I Write (and share with others)

My writer friends tell me it is therapeutic... and my therapist agrees.

I never enjoyed writing. When I was in grade school, it was always difficult for me to organize my thoughts and get them onto paper. Using a tape recorder with variable speed playback and a computer did help some, but the added steps and technology often felt like they added to the onerous burden of each assignment. My papers for English classes often came back to me so bloodied with red ink suggestions edits and revisions that it often felt like a funeral was appropriate and what got buried was any enjoyment of writing. Even writing in a private journal or diary became distasteful.
As a voracious reader with a mother who wrote prolifically as a major part of her job, I became the friend who was always happy to read your writing and make helpful suggestions, but wouldn't share what I wrote unless absolutely necessary.
In college, I avoided classes that required writing papers whenever possible, and was relieved that most of my Engineering classes focused on generating PowerPoint presentations and brief technical memos. Lab reports were a necessary evil, but most of my classmates agreed, so we suffered through them together.
Fast forward several years to my first long-term substitute teaching assignment. I had be taken under the wing of a veteran teacher and literacy coach with a career path more circuitous than mine. I admitted to her my tortured experience with writing and expressed my doubts about my ability to teach something I so disliked.  She encouraged me to try writing using the Writers' Workshop program my elementary school students had been learning through. At first, I was leary, but I quickly surprised myself by how easy it was to write on any topic I wanted in a notebook nobody would see unless I chose to show it. (I plan to post some of those pieces here, as I find time.)

Why is writing therapeutic?
When I find make time, I write about the lessons I'm learning from life. It's a way to process what is going on. Sharing those lessons with others is a way to make them sink in for me. Writing can be empowering. By helping others, I feel less helpless.
Given the right circumstances, I can talk for hours. Writing forces me to slow down and really THINK about what I want to share and how I want to share it. There are some non-verbal cues that can get lost when writing, but I can choose my words carefully to express exactly what I mean. Once you say something, you can't unsay it.
When I was younger, I was bullied a lot. I was angry and hurt and scared, but I had trouble expressing my feelings in a productive way. Crying in a corner may be a natural response, but isn't productive if it doesn't make you feel better. Someone (a therapist, a teacher, my mom...I forget) suggested that I write a letter to the people bullying me. Write about how I felt and why I felt that way. Write about what I wanted to do and what I wanted them to do. Write about whatever was making me upset, and then I'd feel better. The only problem with that was, it didn't make me feel much better. It's one thing to be able to express your thoughts and feelings. However, if you still feel that nobody is listening or caring about it, that no change will come from your efforts, then the benefit is limited. Finding an outlet where you can safely share how you feel with someone who can make a difference, even if that someone is yourself, is the important step that was left out.
Now, with blogging and social networking groups, I can share my thoughts and feelings and I can help others who are going through something similar. Helping others makes me feel less helpless.

Why I Use Cloth Diapers

This original piece was published on May 9, 2015 via social media for the Real Diaper Association. Link to post here.

It's about more than saving money. It's about doing what we can to leave a healthy environment for our children and beyond. I don't want my children's first, and longest lasting impression on the planet to be a pile of dirty diapers in a landfill.
In the early 1980s, my parents used cloth diapers on my sister and I. They had a diaper service but kept some of the diapers for use as dish rags, cleaning cloths, and hand towels. I grew up with the idea that cloth diapers were normal.

When my friends and cousins started having kids, a few used cloth and I learned about "modern" diapers. When I had my first child, one friend gave me part of her stash and another gave me a copy of Changing Diapers. I had something to start with and a way to learn more, but not much of a support system. I muddled through for most of that first year, washing diapers almost every night so I would have enough clean diapers to send to daycare. Then I discovered my local chapter of RDA,  Lehigh Valley Diaper Circle.

LVDC is more than just a cloth diapering support and advocacy group. They are a family support system. We have play dates and parties. We talk about parenting and life. When a member is in need, we lift them up and help out with meals, childcare, sympathetic shoulders, and more.

I do cloth because it about more than saving money. It's about family and the environment, the past and the future. Some of those same cloth diapers my parents saved thirty-something years ago now get used on my children. That's a lasting impression I'm happy to leave.

Am I a Bad Parent?

The school office calling you back pick up your kid just 10 minutes after dropping her off. Kids getting upset and fighting with each other on the playground or at a party.

Your toddler throwing food, toys, and your favorite travel mug during his 4th major tantrum before 10am. Babies screaming their heads off every time you set them down, then continuing to cry even after you pick them up, hug them, bounce them, feed them, change their diapers.

And when you think you've finally figured out how to deal with things, it changes on you and nothing seems to work.

You worry:

• Did I do something to cause this?

• Should I be doing something different? 

• Am I giving them enough attention? 

• Too much attention? 

• Do other parents deal with this too?  

• Am I a bad parent? 

I've figured something out. These are questions that run through every parent's brain and here are the answers.

• Yes, you had a child (or 2, 3, 4, 10) and became a parent.

• Probably, but every "expert" will tell you something different. Do what feels right to you and try to stop stressing over it.

• Nope. Put down or turn off the electronic device. Stop reading that parenting book. Use ALL your vacation days. Love your kid.

• Nope. We all want attention from those we care about. It is how we know they care about us. Take another look at HOW you pay attention. What do you you say and do? How does it make you feel? How does it make your child feel?

• YES!!!! All parents struggle with their kids. You just may not see it.

• NO!!!! Just the fact that you are worrying about being a bad parent means that you aren't one. It is not about being the perfect parent. There are no perfect parents.

There are no perfect parents. 

We are all just trying to do our best, each in our own way. We struggle. We worry. We hope we're not messing up. We hear people tell us how amazing we are and we don't believe it. That's why there are so many blog posts, magazine articles, and advice books.

So take a short break from your worrying, buy a new travel mug, spend quality time with your kids, and know that you are not alone.